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[11 Feb 2007|11:54am] |
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mood |
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 bouncy |
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music |
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silence!! |
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Ok so my last post took like 2 days to appear...great! So there has been some time for me to get in focus and its worked. I dropped my limit from 1000 to 950 and yesterday I had 745. Each day I set as min and a max and hope that my concience will stop me from going near the max. I will have 2 weeks at each level I think and keep dropping it. Every now and then i will raise it a bit to keep my body guessing. I have also abandoned my scales. I am not going to use them for about 2 months so I have to work hard otherwise I will be so dissappointed if I havent lost much. For now I will just have to judge by how my clothes feel.
On the plus side I had my first...you've lost weight comment the other day, which is a sentance I havent heard in months and months possibly a year!
So im focused. Today I am going out for lunch but Im not worried cos im not having anything else and the salad I am having is only about 500 calories.
xx missy xx
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[11 Feb 2007|11:54am] |
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mood |
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 cold |
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So I have been doing well for a few days...i have had between 400 and 1000 cals per for the past week or so? So today was my free day, i can eat anything I wat up to 2000 calories, and I just couldnt be bothered, i was gonna go out and get pizza ot take away or whatever but when i got there I just didnt want it so I just went home, had some toasy and plain biscuits and that was it. So tomorrow is back on the straight and narrow, only this week I will lower the maximum to 950. so its between 400 and 950 and my free day is down to a 1500 cal limit and that will be next friday...,my last day at work.
But even after feeling relatively good about food, I find myself constantly annoyed and angry with myself. I keep thinking about how much I have let go the past few years and wondering why I didnt stop myself before it got this bad. I truly hate myself for what Ive become and I cant make the feeling go away. I can now remember what drove me to cutting.
I will probably feel better tomorrow when I am restricting again. Maybe this negative feeling is good once a week to keep me focused.
xx hope everyone is well xx
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[06 Feb 2007|09:33pm] |
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I am so proud of myself. There I was at starbucks already decided on a latte biscuit and cheesecake. (i was having the biscuit as take out for later) then when the very skiny girl asked what a wanted I said a large non fat sugar free vanilla latte. Woo hoo. she even said is there any food with that and I just said no... On automatic pilot. Go me, I'm so impressed with myself. One day I will get there! X x x
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[06 Feb 2007|06:36pm] |
I've had 600 cals so far today my limit is 800, I really feel out of control though I want to binge. why can't I stay focused. I am so crap. I want to cry. I'm going for a coffee at 7 so I hopefully will be able to control myself.
fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat
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[05 Feb 2007|11:13pm] |
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mood |
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 determined |
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music |
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none its late |
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Well today went well. Boring as it was another day is over at work. Only 9 days left until I can start my new job as a designer. I'm so excited its unreal. I feel like if I can just get in the right mindset about food now then everything will go well. I got off to a good start today, I had nothing all day and then 400 cals for dinner. nothing else until tomorrow. I'm going in to my new job for a few hours tomorrow as well just so I am ready. I want to be so good in this job and everything else!
hope everyone else is feeling positive!
xx missy xx
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[03 Feb 2007|10:27pm] |
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So, I'm really excited, I'm updating from my phone. Its my new toy and its helping me stay focused on not eating. I am keeping a record of what I eat in the diary part and now I can keep updating from here to keep me focused, and I can check the forums too.
xx missy xx
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| back to basics! |
[01 Feb 2007|08:05am] |
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mood |
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 accomplished |
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music |
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silence!! |
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Ok, so today is going to be spent developing my plan for the next month. I have one day to plan and get any safe foods I need. All the other food in the house is banned. I want to go back to the gym, I widh I had more money, If I join it this week then it leaves me with nothing for another month, I hate having no money, I hate not being able to go out and do anything. maybe I will take a month out where I just stay in or go to the gym all the time and when I emerge at the end of the month I will look so different...haha who am I kidding. So yeah, today is all about scouring my old diaries and journals and of course the net and picking out what works best for me. Then as of midnight, the plan will be put into action.
Wish me luck
xx missy xx
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| I want to cry |
[31 Jan 2007|11:39pm] |
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mood |
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 annoyed |
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music |
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t.v in background |
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I feel really low, I dont know what to do, I feel like a failure. I watched a programme the other night about child anorexics and I felt so bad that I call myself eating disordered, I just feel like Im not good enough. They were so pure and innocent, they didnt need to go on the internet to 'motivate' themselves, they just did it, it was thier life, they work hard and they are truly in trouble. I want with all my heart for those girls to see how beautiful they are and to get better, but I just want to go back to the days when that was me, it was my life and I loved it and it was part of me. now I just feel like I am forcing this and I am a failure pathetically clinging onto the hope that I can one day get back the streak of hate in me that pushed me over the edge of sanity and MADE...ME....THIN!!
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| feeling fine! |
[28 Jan 2007|02:02pm] |
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mood |
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 optimistic |
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music |
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Rasmus - not like the other girls |
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Ok so i had a chat with someone from the forums and I got my head straight. I need to focus so I chose a plan that wouoldnt be too hard to stick to. I decided on a tweeaked version of the 2468 diet. Well, it is based on the priciples that if I eat the same small amount of calories every day my body will go into starvation mode so I am doing the 4,6,8,10 cos i havent restricted in a long time and need to get back into it. Im also gonna change the order so I really confuse things lol. So yesterday was 400 which I did easily. Today is 800, tomorrow is 600 then the day after is 1000 then back to 400 and so on and on and on until I am thin again!
Feeling very positive at the moment my whole life seems brighter somehow...not sure if that is a godd sign as it means all my happiness is dependant on my weight. Hmmm
xx missy xx
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| Oh Bollocks shit fuck fat! |
[20 Jan 2007|11:08pm] |
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t.v in background |
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Ohmygodohmygodohmygod. Panic stations. I am huge, I have gained a ton of weight and am now the heaviest I have ever ever been, I feel disgusting and I hate myself. Fuck fuck fuck. I dont know what to do. When I start the day starving I throw up by 11am and I dont know why. If i eat I feel like I have fucked up and I binge. Im really fuckin screwed up!
I think tomorrow is going to be a fat free yogurt for breakfast, 2 ryvita with low fat cheese for lunch and tomato soup for dinner, homemade so i will know whats in it. Along with lots of tea, coffee, water and sugarfree mints.
So there we go. Settled. My main area of weakness is eating round my boyf, I cant help it cos i cook his dinner and I am a weak weak bitch! From tomorrow I am strong.
Oh, and I got my first job as a designer...I start in 4 weeks. 4 weeks to look the part of career girl...too busy to eat...so busy working hard!
xx missy xx
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| Can I start again, again? |
[14 Jan 2007|12:52am] |
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mood |
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determined |
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music |
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panic! at the disco - disconnect the dots |
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So here we go again, off on another plan although this time it might have to work. I had only a few pounds virtually no food in the house so i went off to asda to get some stuff to last me 3 weeks til payday. i got some fat free yogurts, sugar free muesli and enough veg to make a few batches of veg soup. So that is what I will make last. Maybe a bowl of cereal, a yogurt and a bowl of soup a day. I have a new diary too, from the benrik people (google it) so I am gonna use it keep track. I am starting from when I wake up the only bad thing about tomorrow is that I am gonna be drinking cos my friend is coming over with some sangria. Oh lovely. Ahh well.. we shall see!
I'll try and write more cos this place keeps me sane/focused/alive
xx missy xx
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| Oh FUCK!! |
[12 Jan 2007|11:43pm] |
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mood |
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 depressed |
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music |
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Two pints of lager is on tv |
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So I have cried myself to sleep for the last week and I dont know why (other than being a monstrous whale) Im really skint...so much I cant even afford to get my prescription of my crazy pills, which may explain the depressive-li-ness. I feel like I am gonna explode out of my self. I am too much. I want to starve my body of its unacceptable needs and make it survive on the bare minimum. Oh I dont know what to do? I dont feel like I can try anymore...I will never be where I want. 11 years of failure should have proven that to me!
xx missy xx
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| good start. |
[13 Dec 2006|01:17am] |
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mood |
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satisfied |
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music |
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See above playlist |
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I think today went ok...I am in a good bad state of mind. I think i need to be a bit fucked up to get the control I need to stay away from food. i have had an apple, some peas, and a small portion of oven chips (i know i s houldnt but i wanted to be seen eating something...hey, i could have had the pies/ kievs that were there too! All in all I think I am around 600 cals for the day.
I have found one of my anti triggers...my ana music. I don't think I would have any strength without it.
My Current Playlist:
Courage - Superchick
She's Falling Apart - Lisa Loeb
Numb - Linkin Park
Apocolyptica - HIM and Rasmus (watch the vid you will see why, as well as its a beautiful song)
Now Is Mine - K's Choice
Not An Addict - K's Choice
Suicidal Dream - Silverchair
Breathe No More - Evanescence
Bleed Like Me - Garbage
Big Isn't Beautiful - King Adora
Not Like The Other Girls - The Rasmus
Inherited Scars - Sage Francis
4st 7lb - Manic Street Preachers
`
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| Also........ |
[10 Dec 2006|08:39pm] |
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mood |
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chipper |
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music |
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Superchick - Courage |
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I just went through all of my clothes and split them into 2 piles...ones that fit and ones that don't. The ones that down was much bigger than the ones that do..So my firsat gol is to work through all my clothes until I can fit into all of them. Even the realy skinny ones i have kept since my past ana days.
I have put them in drawers in my cupboard so each time I can get into one it can be moved with all my other clothes. I want those bad drawers to be empty by Feb.
Im just worried about Christmas. I cannot afford to draw any suspicion whatsoever while I am at home with my family. I will just have to eat when they eat and make sure I do not eat in between times.
Anyway, is all for now!!
xx missy xx
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| She's Back!! |
[10 Dec 2006|07:04pm] |
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mood |
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determined |
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music |
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linkin park stuff |
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Ok so I have been on another planet for the past week. Don't particularly want to say much about it except except everything on this planet was edible...nuff said!
Anyway...fuck last week. It's all up from here..or down as my case may be. I have decided to let myself go insane again. I have been toying with the idea for a while so fuck it. I just booted my sanity right out the window!! All my craziness..wierd habits, hectic moods, obsessions and most importantly....thinness are coming back.
I have made my thinspo file again...basically a folder where I keep all my food lists, tips, poems, quotes, lyrics....anthing ana really so that it is on hand all the time without haveing to be near a pc or in my freezing computer room. Ha. It's not as good as my old one (which had to be burnt to keep from prying eyes) but I worked on that for a year so I know it will take time. And now there are no prying eyes *giggles excitedly*
God it feels so good! Feel like I have turned a page and there is no going back. Have had a good day today. Did 40 mins of yoga and then 20mins of hard ab work...my mini muscles didn't know what had hit them! And i have had a small plate of pasta bake which i cooked for my boyf and I. I had mine off a saucer though so I couldn't put much on it. I also only ate 2 pieces of pasta at a time and chewed each bite 20 times. I akmost got bored of eating it hahaha! I did feel full when I had finished though. All in all I am overestimating at 350 cals.
Oh I am so ready for this!!!!!
xx missy xx
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| focus |
[03 Dec 2006|11:11pm] |
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mood |
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 geeky |
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music |
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Zoolander on tv |
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So I am feeling a little less melancholy than I did before...Ugh I can be so dramatic when I want to be. So my new idea is its all about energy and surviving. I am putting together a survival kit that covers me for any eventuality of not eating. I bought a stock of safe...non fat energy giving foods...i have candies and thai lite crackers. Also in my survival kit is wasted by marya hornbacher...my thinspiration. My journal. My food diary...mints. and a few other...essential (photos of skinny/fat me to keep me going...also my mobile phone cos I have a dietr buddy and she is amazing!! Hey Deecie you rock sweetie!)so i can keep focused all day...will let you know how this goes tomorrow!!
xx missy xx
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| Revelation |
[03 Dec 2006|08:48pm] |
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mood |
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 thoughtful |
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t.v in background |
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I just realised that I have to hold myself responsible now. I just read back through a lot of my old entries from this journal and my written diaries that I have stored all over my house and one of the things I wrote down most was..."and no one is going to stop me." So I look around now after thinking the same thing when I woke up this morning and realised...there is no one trying to stop me. I am the only person that messes things up for me. I am the only one who knows I hate myself and I am the only one who can change.
If I can maybe get a grasp of that I will stop trying to blame people and circumstance and start to change.
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| bit by bit |
[01 Dec 2006|11:31pm] |
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mood |
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bored |
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music |
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Pink - Don't Let Me Get Me |
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So Im taking it slow but I have done considerably better than the past few days. I have had around 1000 cals today...Today was my transition from binge mode to restriction. Tomorrow is back to restriction.
I am excited. I feel sick though.
Does anyone get physically sick when they dont eat after a period of eating normally? I get this...a lot. When Im hungry by about 12am I start to throw up violently. It got so bad the other day I had to leave work and almost crashed my car being sick as I was driving! Geez...what a fuck up!
Got a few of my christmas presents today but got pissed off in the shops cos of all the skinny clothes....and the skinny girls trying them on!
Grrr
xx missy xx
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| Ohgodohgodohgodohgod!!! |
[01 Dec 2006|01:14am] |
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mood |
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lonely |
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music |
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System of s down - Needles. |
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Oh my god somebody please shake me. Scream in my face and make me realise I am ruining my body by filling it with such crap. I hate this I hate this I hate this. Why can't I be strong and needless and without the burden of needing!! FUCKING HELL.
I
WANT
TO
CUT
AND
SLICE
MYSELF
INTO
PRETTY
RED
RIBBONS
Maybe then I will remind my self how disgusting I am when I go to reach for food.
So pissed off right now...SOrry this is such a depressing entry. I will post tomorrow when I am starving and dexesrve to grace these pages and call myself Ana.
I am so ashamed right now.
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| Start again? |
[27 Nov 2006|10:04pm] |
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mood |
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optimistic |
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music |
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t.v in background |
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Ok so the last few days have sucked. I have eaten quite a lot and been sick a lot too. I'm gonna give that shit up. Its disgusting and weak! As of tomoorow I am a new person. I drink rather than eat. When I eat its only the safe foods. I will be too busy with my work and my design to eat. I will be doing much more important things than that. I will be so involved with the music I love and the books I love and the writing and the photography. I want that life. I want it so bad. I want the dream that Marya Hornbacher has.
Is it wierd that I want a lifestyle that I know is manic/often depressing/ hyper and dangerous? Oh yeah I already have that. Lets just make it more useful and worthwhile. Anyone get what Im saying or am I just talking shit??
xx missy xx
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